I wonder how many times have you called me and I gave you the cold shoulder because I was feeling crappy or unhappy.... damn I don't remember any.
How many nights have I not said to you "I love you" because I was tired, upset at you, irritated or moody.... damn I also don't remember any.
How many times have I sent you angry SMSes because of something you did that upset me, but you didn't know what on earth you did... Shit, I also don't remember.
But, how many times have YOU done the above to me?
Time to rethink your life. I'm not gonna let you ruin my days because you're "unhappy". No more feeling down because you're upset too. I'm starting to think I don't need this crap from you anymore. There's a line between being a good boyfriend, a shoulder to cry on, providing a listening ear whenever you're upset, and the person who carries all your troubles for you. I'm here to share your troubles and complaints, not to feel like shit just because you feel like shit and have mood swings.
If you have been wondering why we seem a little distant over the last few days, you're probably spot on. I need to find out if you're more than I can handle, or want more from me than I can give you.
You've crossed the lines already. Asking me to be your personal dog and retrieve money for you to pay for your luxuries was an eye-opener. I didn't argue it out with you right there and then because I wanted you to enjoy yourself. But you didn't understand, nor appreciate me withholding feelings.
Starting little fights daily is also becoming part of your routine. You haven't noticed it, but I have, since about a month ago. I have told you that you are the reason why you are disappointed so often, and I now dare say that you are also the reason why you are upset so often. You seem to think that the people you argue with are the ones finding fault with you, but I'm telling you now, you're the one stirring up trouble. Isn't it common now, you being moody and upset at me over something I've done in the morning, and me sweet-talking you in the evening. Why on earth must I punish myself before I go to bed on so many evenings?
I know your expectations of a boyfriend, and I've told you that some of them are unreasonable, or down right ridiculous. Have you asked for my expectations for a girlfriend? They're nowhere near as fairy tale as yours and damn right easy to achieve.
I read this article in the paper today. It was on Venetta Lopez and her outlooks on life. One quote caught my eye. It was regarding her divorce, and how it has changed her. She said something along the lines of: "Quit whimpering and whining about life when you're married, when you're partner is attracted to someone else. Instead make yourself more attractive to your partner."
Stop all your expectations and demands that I show my love for you. I know you have been understanding and accommodating towards me. But there is still this whole lingering sense of insecurity and need for closeness that I feel around you.
You tell me that we'll probably break-up because I will stop loving you first. Well, sad to say, you're so wrong about that one. You need someone to be there for you all the time, be there waiting for you when you wake up in the mornings and waiting for you when you prepare to sleep. You tell me that you can handle long-distance relationships, I'm telling you that you can't. And its precisely because of the need for closeness and the feeling of being loved that you so require everyday. It will take time for you to recognise it, but it is undeniable. Getting upset whenever I don't answer phone calls, or take longer than necessary to return your calls or "ignore" you is not purely a mistake on my part. Through these I can infer that you need closeness, need to feel loved all the time. And when you feel that you're not getting enough, you pull a tantrum, to get attention, closeness and more love. Its a vicious cycle I hope you can see.
How about I try it when you're working. You can see that it will be especially effective for me to do the same to you when you're on hospital attachments. Needless to say when you're working. Childish stunts. I know it when you love me, and I don't need constant reassurances of your love.
Self-awareness does not equal to Self-realisation. The fact that you admitted to me that you tend to want fairy tale endings in all aspects of your life is good. It shows me that you know you're expectations are too high and are bound to be much lower in life. However, that fact that you complain about people not understanding you and get irritated at me for not providing you with constant reassurances shows me that you have yet to realise and think through points you have picked up about yourself. You know roughly what it is about you that is causing you difficulties, but never really bothered to find out why and how it is affecting your life.
Lastly, I really regret saying this, because I do not think you are stupid. However, often it is you who fail to understand my point of view, rather than me understanding yours. Most of the time, I have thought over things before I even broach the topic with you. I probably already have a feel of what your stand is before you tell me. I just want to hear it from you.
You once told me that you will not tailor your life to suit mine. I am telling you now that though I am willing to accommodate you in my life, you are pushing some limits. And I certainly will not tailor my life to suit yours.
This is not all about you.
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