Zero-Sum Game.

My life feels like a Zero-Sum Game. Benefits of me studying so hard in year 2 have just been cancelled out by my 2nd study buddy session with the year 1's. They're good. Haha And I'm forgetting stuff already. I have always wondered that, if you forget old stuff as you learn new stuff, would the proportions of new knowledge gained be equal to the proportions of old knowledge forgotten? Wouldn't the "storage space" in the brain be a zero-sum game then? What can you afford to forget to "exchange the space" for essential new concepts?

I don't think the mind works that way. It'll grow in knowledge across all aspects, much more than the proportions it forgets. So does my life. Hopefully, at the end of all this, it'll all just fall into place. Now, its just the decision to continue and continue and continue that makes the difference. Keep on acquiring new knowledge, and revise old stuff, relearn forgotten stuff. That's what I did today, relearn. Its painful, difficult and humiliating, but... this will eventually give me the edge over others. So what if I don't know? Now I do. =D And I know more than you! Yea, I like to push myself ahead with these stupid encouragements. 

Wonderful Saturday spent wandering around in the city! First time I've been there in 4 weeks! Can you imagine! So loser la. Went to Zhixuan's house warming party. Excellent curry chicken. Very Singaporean. Dashed back to SEF for Ci Han's 21st birthday party. 

Played table tennis and pool.... I'm actually quite OK at table tennis! I never knew! I thought there was a whole lot of psychomotor co-ordination which I could not handle.... but its a piece of cake... ahaha

Taught Lionel some piano after that.. can understand why my piano teacher hits the notes so hard whenever she teaches me. Frustration and boredom. Lol. But I got him going on some scales and a simple song. 

Nice mid-night chat with Jemima and Henry at our flat. Its nice that we can talk so openly about such a myriad of things. Jemima's a lot more emo and opinionated that I thought. Hahaha always thought of her as cute, bubbly and fun. And church-going. Apparently she's quite the thinker and feminist as well. Lol. I love teasing feminists. Just because my view of the world is quite one-sided, and I have MCP tendencies. But I openly accommodate feminists! 

Good good... gotta get back into motion tonight. Another long week of grinding and ploughing ahead. 

Wish I had a little colony of mushrooms hiding under my bed, helping me to do stuff. Sigh. 

Getting into the Groove...

Settled my CBP stuff for tomorrow, had a hell of a time trying to determine exactly how the bus route goes and stops. Revised a few lecture notes before that, so I guess I'm okay for today. The CD8 T-cell has spotted bacteria particles in the MHC groove! So how does the bacteria particles "get into the groove?" Hahahaha it was so cute when Gooding asked that question. Its all over his lecture notes as well.

Well, finally started clearing my pile of lecture notes, gonna do it on a weekly basis. Now that I've got an extra night of study time; for the past 3 weeks Monday nights have been spent over at Jasmins', I probably can catch up with stuff pretty fast. However, I must say that my studying rate is infamously slow, and I tend to over-memorise things. Gotta speed up. 

Another accomplishment for today: Got my OSHC backdated 3 months for the holiday. Finally when I ended classes pretty late, and AGAIN strolled over to student services to check the counter, hey presto! there she was. I rushed in.

Still, on the flip-side, I have to wait another 3 weeks for them to update their system, so that I can make a full refund. Sigh. The never ending web of paperwork and red-tape. 

Have to sleep by 2 am. Looks like I've got time for some....

Band of Brothers! 

Study Buddy.

Just had 2 study buddy sessions in a row. One with the juniors, and one with Kaihan. Both went quite well I must say. Telling the juniors the important stuff and teaching them concepts comes easily, especially with Christine around. That's probably why we both wanted to do a study buddy together. We each knew we were good enough to take on a study buddy group ourselves, but with 2 of us together we could almost always rely on each other. Yea study buddy with juniors is definitely a good idea. Very very good revision.

Study buddy with Kaihan on the other hand, I feel that we've slowed down the pace a lot. Its harder to move forward and cover stuff when there's so many people. Its no longer the more focused transfer of knowledge that we've come to like. Today's session was a little messy and slow. So many people talking all at once. So many people talking all the time. Talk talk talk, a competition of answers, a waste of time. Study buddy should take on a more serious tone, where its purpose is primarily to give people the edge over others, to improve knowledge and the understanding of concepts. Not one big laugh fest. More clinical scenarios and examples too please. 

Maybe I'm a little frustrated because I didn't have lunch. Maybe its because the study buddy session with the Year 1's took on a more conducive atmosphere. Maybe we're too swollen as a study buddy group to move effectively anymore. We'll see. 

Jon was talking about a house study session once in a while, and I nearly died. So many study groups, just when do I have time on my own to study? Need to get the lecture notes moving. 

Restless Saturdays.

Saturday night, and I'm alone in my room, restless. There's so much I wanna do, but it still feels like I'm being dragged down by something. Something I gotta do, something I should do, something I think I know I must do. Always something to do. 

Torn between watching Home Alone 2 with Jon and watching Band of Brothers on my own. I need some me time. When my time is mine alone, not set aside for school work, for meals, for exercise, for events, for people. I have no more me time. Yea that's what it is. Everyday I have to give my time to something. And that's probably why I feel so restless when I finally have some time to myself. The inability to relax totally. To enjoy myself. To feel that I'm in full control. Sigh. 

I always look forward to Saturdays. A full day set aside, for absolutely nothing. Yet.... so far, I barely remember most of my Saturdays. They're always over in a blink of an eye. Just like that and its Sunday already, time to get the engines going again. 

And I just need to say this. I hate waking up on a Saturday morning to the sound of an alarm clock. Especially if I can't sleep in late. The only day of the week where I can get my rest. Its so disadvantageous to be such a light sleeper. I take so long to sleep, and hardly get my rest every schooling night. Insomnia insomnia insomnia. 

Its 8, I've done the laundry, replied all my emails and dinner's in the living room. Time to make a change. This will separate me from all the rest. I can change easily. Time for some me time now. 

Take it in.

Good relaxing trip to pinewood for ice-cream with Jasmin. Feels so good finishing school on a Friday, when you know you don't have to do anything anymore. For a while!

Bought a bar of Old Gold Cadbury dark chocolate! 70%, promising....

Just had a nice good dinner, going for Bible study now!

Love Fridays!

Jigsaw Lung.

Just woke up from a 2 hour nap. And I feel DAMN good. Hahahaha. Love days where I can recharge in the afternoon. Especially after having insomnia the night before.

Dissection today was really really fun. Owned all the other Aussies at anatomy and probably managed to find the thoracic duct! Impressive considering the duct is really fragile and thin, and ripped easily. Too much muck in the way still, couldn't expose the duct fully and check out the venous angle. 

Sutured back 3 pieces of lung together too, my goodness that was really fun. Ben, my anatomy tutor was like helping me to oppose the edges of the pieces together so that I can suture properly. I think I've almost finish suturing together the left inferior lobe save one last piece. More to come for next tutorial!

Yes and I forgot to mention, I also sutured a chunk of left ventricle wall back onto the heart. Now it opens out like a door. =D What a beauty!

Hmmm cadaveric lung tissue sure is fragile, dunno if its the same with a living person. But its really good suturing practice, and I think I can confidently do sutures quickly now. 

Going off for fencing soon! Cutting up the dead in the afternoon, destroying the living in the evening. I live such a morbid life, and I love it. =D

Messy.

Ever had days where you don't really know or feel like doing anything? Today is one of them... Messy. Bits of pieces here and there, fluttering around, watching movies.... Man, its like I wanna take a break and relax and not feel guilty for slacking a little... But I can't seem to do that... Finished 3 sets of lecture notes today... hmmmm supposed to do SPC or some PCL now but... I'm tired from fencing, and my brain's draggy. 

Don't wanna do anything anymore for the rest of the night! >.<

Feeling nostalgic again at the moment... and I'm missing Jasmin.... maybe that's what's dragging me down... feels like I lack the drive today. Hmmmm

Gotta slog on. Hmmmm. I wanna talk to mummy again.

Irritated.

Feel really really irritated with things and myself at the moment... though I have no idea why... could be the sucky long day of school.... could be that my printer went wonky and printer a thick stack of lecture notes... one slide per page... now the toner's almost dead... could be the thought of working again tonight... could be the people around me who are getting on my nerves...

Whatever man.... felling really bogged down by the stack of lecture notes on my desk... have to clear them soon before more starts piling up. 

Not to mention the ton of assignments that have been thrown at us in a single lecture.

Fuck man I need to sort out my life a little more. 

Hunger.

Waiting for dinner now. So hungry. And the food smells so good. Jon's strumming on the guitar downstairs. Henry's frying something. Lionel is talking about some cardiophysiology shit. Desmond is cooped up in his room with his girlfriend. Just read the new PCL case. I'm quite sure the case is on bronchitis, though I'm not sure whether its chronic or acute. Probably read up on it tonight. 

Haven't done my SPC readings for tonight's meeting, but it'll probably be okay to read up on something there. Mmmmm, there's that smell again. I hear something frying downstairs. Henry ah, quite thankful for him. I've been eating better and more than last year, thanks to his cooking. Jon too. Good variety, huge portions, and great value for money. Love my life now. 

Was thinking about last night when I was so hungry. So touching to see Jasmin putting off sleep just to accompany me in the kitchen. She even helped me to wash the pot afterwards. Its times like this where I really feel that I have been so blessed. So good to be in such a meaningful relationship. Love you Jasmin darling!

More ice-cream for you in the future!

Yay!

Yay! Finally finished left overs of ECG Made Easy chapter 1 and Pleural anatomy! I wonder what we have to read for anatomy this week.... I haven't read much on the anatomy of the heart yet..

Finally able to log onto my blog! Always unsuccessful trying to signing in over the past weeks.

Have been getting waves of nostalgia ever since I called my mum on the hand phone. Seldom get to talk to her so directly... its almost always over Skype. Suddenly her voice was so clear, so sharp, and so near. I thought about the times when I get to talk to my parents. Somehow, I was always busy at those times, and half-hearted conversations often endured. Study time replacing touch-base-with-parents time was not a good idea at all. When I spoke to my mother, I realised how much I missed talking to her, discussing the things that concerned her, and planning with her about our future. Certainly missed all those nights walking around the neighbourhood with her, holding her hand, talking endlessly. The most perfect end to my day. 

My daddy too! I bet he really misses both me and my sister a lot. He tries to hid it whenever he's here, but it just leaks through every time he hugs my sister. Poor guy, alone in Singapore so often now-a-days... I want him over as soon as possible, but for the greater good, the move must be well planned. He needs time to find a good job and bid his friends good-bye...

Recently, I've also been getting a little nostalgic whenever I leave Jasmin's place on a Sunday morning. It seems like I've come to enjoy staying over at her house on the weekends, and the place now feels like a holiday home to me. A place away from all the mad studying during the week, the stress of completing homework and reading up. Going to bed so peacefully and contented, with Jasmin snuggling up to me. Waking up on a Saturday morning and slowly cooking my ideal breakfast. Dashing out for a quick lunch afterwards, and then rushing home to prepare for study buddy. Love Saturdays, they're a perfect balance between leisure and work. Jasmin seems more and more like family to me now, its like I have to see her every so often, and its hard trying not to spend too much time with her. When school heats up I'll probably still set aside every Friday night till Saturday afternoon to spend with her. 

Hmmm the balancing act of my life is surely going to heat up. I've got a study buddy group in the works, a potential SMSV position to handle, and multiple projects which haven't started. On top of all this, I have a sister who stays near me whom I need to keep an eye on, and an adorable girlfriend whom I can't stop seeing. Plus more stuff to learn. Can I do it again? Seniors who were successful in their first year did not all find the same success in their second year. Am I biting off more than I can chew? 

I think not. Got Kaihan to look towards for inspiration. If he can juggle all that stuff in his life, probably so can I. Except that he's probably a lot smarter. But never mind that, bring on the year! 

If there was anything fencing taught me, its never to be afraid. I can see fearlessness in Kaihan and Christine especially. It is this ability to take on challenges with absolute confidence that will set us apart from the rest. It is these people who have control over their fears who will provide me with the greatest competition this year. And I love competition, makes me stronger. Hahaha, yea bring it on.